Christmas is a magical time, or it used to be, back when we were all kids. We all remember sidling up to the fire and putting chestnuts in it and singing Rudolph while Santa Claus came down the chimney to give us high fives and presents. (Or coal! LOL.)
Anyway, today’s kids don’t even know what they’re missing. So in order to keep them grounded, I’ve compiled a list of things that they don’t know that they’re missing that are all things we remember because we grew up before them.
How about having to wait for the once-annual Rudolph and Frosty and Charlie Brown showing, right? I mean, these used to happen once a year, and if you had a bad bowel situation or you were stuck in detention until late at night, YOU MISSED IT, SUCKER! There was no DVR, no “pause and rewind live TV,” and nobody knew anything about DVDs at that time. So if you weren’t there tuned in when it was broadcasting, FAT CHANCE.
Video-tape: Nowadays, everyone has everything on DVD (digital video disc), but what about when you needed to see camera footage that you recorded by setting up the recorder when you did and caught footage of your mom having sex with Santa Claus? (Now you know it was your dad or Rick, but whatever,) back then, you didn’t know because you COULDN’T look at the video and check out his prison tattoos like you could now! LMAO.
Cell-phones: In the olden days, when your car broke down while you were out getting a Christmas tree, you were “screwed.” You had to sit in the car while your dad “hoofed” it to the nearest petrol station to get help. You sat in the car shivering, and praying that you wouldn’t get raped by some horny trucker. Now, your dad would just call “AAA” and a guy would come out and change your tire and kill the horny trucker with a pistol or a tire iron and nothing bad would happen.
GPS: Get lost going to the Christmas tree farm? These days, you just recalibrate your settings and BOOM, you’re back to your house. Not back then, though. If you got lost in the 80s. your dad would scream and curse and maybe hit somebody in the car. :(
Toys: Toys are shit now. Everything is made in Korea and it’s all bullshit. We used to get GI Joes and we’d shove firecrackers up their ass and they’d barely feel it. Kids today are pussies.
Snow: Now it doesn’t even snow on fucking Christmas. I know people say it’s because of Global Warming, but I say it’s because they took the Christ out of Christmas. THANKS OBAMA!
Eight-track: Remember listening to your favorite Christmas song on eight-track while your dad snored softly in the next room and your mom was making moans with Darrel from the trailer next door on the couch? Your kids won’t know because WE DON’T EVEN have anymore eight-tracks, probably because of Global Warnings, probably because of THNKS OBAMA.
Christmas Carols: We used to sing these door to door, but now because of ISIS, we can’t sing anything to anyone anymore. I just want to feel protected in my house, but I don’t want to have to rely on my guns to do it, you know? I mean, if an Arab comes in here to my door and says, “time for beheading!” you know I’m going to kill him and protect me and my neighbors, but if he choose to shoot up a shopping mall a few miles from my house? I can only be there if I have my police scanner on, (and I do, usually, but not around Christmas because it’s too depressing.)
If ISIS comes here, I won’t back down. I will fuck them up and teach them the BIBLE and for those unbelievers, I will also express my mercy and kill them as a act of GOD and MERCY and maybe if they recognize Jesus Christ as a savior, they will be able to hang out with me and play Nintendo 64. (Which is something the Millennial don’t even know about!! LMAO!)